If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
