She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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