you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
