I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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