In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
