im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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