I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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