just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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