The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Randomize
