Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
