So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
