Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Success! We fucked roommates!
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