Moan for me like Helen Keller
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
