Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
