Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
