Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Sorry about my life...
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
