I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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