I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
