I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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