hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
