Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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