Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
