god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
