If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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