I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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