party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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