Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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