the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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