My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
