you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Pants 0. Shit 1.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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