FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
