And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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