WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
