I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
