This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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