Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
