The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
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