When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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