Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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