I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
