Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
