I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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