is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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