Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
