New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
