Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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