So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
