People in love make me want to vomit
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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