Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
