If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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