So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
