I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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